walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
