Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize