**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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