so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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