just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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