God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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