i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
