so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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