I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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