Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
