Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
