You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
