my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
