My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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