I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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