woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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