Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize