Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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