At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
wanna go halves on a baby?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
