Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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