Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
