How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
