also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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