We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
