Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
