Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
only you would photoshop your dick
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
