the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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