Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize