I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
