The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
