How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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