Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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