look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
