I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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