Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
