Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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