Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
