farters have to be the big spoon...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In other news, I just burned my penis
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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