When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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