She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
