Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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