she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
