clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
