At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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