I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
