I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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