i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
