I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
