i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
