Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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