I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
