youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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