every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
