The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
