It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
