Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize