I want to make a zoo with you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
