just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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