Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
