Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
