Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
