i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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