I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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