I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
me + whiskey = a bad person
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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