This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
