This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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