addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
