I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
